When I originally started to write this post it was meant to be something different but turned into this. I promise my next one will be light hearted, however I believe this post will help you understand a little about how we got here. It was DEFINITELY cathartic for me to write, and please if you are going through any of this and want to reach out for more detail or have questions, DO IT!
A friend of mine, I had not seen in 17years, appeared at my door a few months ago. I was so excited to see her, but at the same time I immediately began apologizing for what a wreck my house was. ( Almost every conversation I have includes me saying how bad my house is to anyone, even if you aren't at my house lol) She was very polite and said it was fine, but I knew better. I guess the main living areas don't show the REAL clutter, but I knew she knew the OLD me....the neat and very organized me.....the me Brice married....the me I miss so bad!!! Okay I'll stop;)
Barb actually came out and asked me eventually, how did it happen? How did I let it get so out of hand? In a weird way this was a huge comfort, it was confirmation I wasn't always like this. It had been the last 11yrs....well 7 since I had really started losing control of it.
She knew we lost a baby, and my father had past away, but not all the heartache that also happened in a span of a few years. So one day recently I began to try to list the chain of events.
(Trust me, I am not looking for sympathy, many of you have had it much worse than me, and I do realize how much I have to be thankful for. A few of these things were BIG BLESSINGS.)
-We lost our baby boy due to an amnio.
-We delivered our 3rd girl 11 months later:)
-When she was 18 months old I fell and broke my elbow, had surgery on Tuesday
-That Friday my Mom had a stroke.
-My Dad was battling cancer.
- My Mom and Dad moved in with us 3 weeks later. So I could care for my Mom.
- Three months later my Dad insisted they move back to their home.
- Three weeks later my Mom fell and broke her hip.
- After 4 weeks rehab we moved them into an assisted living in our neighborhood.
- My Dads cancer continued to get worse.
- My Mom continued to be a handful;)
- 4 months later my Dad was put on hospice, we had to move them to a higher level care facility.
-Two months later my sisters MIL passed away at the breakfast table with my Mom and Dad at the assisted living.
-The next day, my daughters boyfriend's mother passed away suddenly. ( He only had his stepfather left, which he was not close to)
-The week after the two funerals, my 16yr. old niece called and her mom had been taken by ambulance to rehab for alcoholism and she needed to come live with us. (Which included moving bedrooms around, enrolling her in school etc..)
-2 1/2 weeks later my Dad died a horrible painful death.
-Before my Dad's body was taken away, my Mom was ready and waiting with her hair rollers and makeup bag in hand to come home to live with us;)
-At this point I was feeding 4 teenagers and a 2 1/2 yr. old and caring for my Mom who needed assistance with everything.
- My husbands company of 20yrs experienced a take over. They were pushing everyone out.
-We cleaned out and sold my parents home of 56 years.
-We cleaned out and sold my parents home of 56 years.
-Together we started our own company
-In the first 2 weeks of opening our doors my oldest graduated high school and I found out I was pregnant with our 4th child while using birth control! Can you say SURPRISE?!?
-Company going very well, opened our 2nd location.
-I was 6 months pregnant, 1 week before our opening, Brice's Dad rushed to ICU. We were now faced with moving him to assisted living.
-1month later my brother in law had a heart attack but thankfully was fine.
-2 DAYS later I was admitted to the hospital in premature labor, stayed there for a week then spent remaining 2 months of my pregnancy on bed rest.
-After our 4th little blessing was born we had to clean out and sell Brice's parents home
-This begins the downfall of the economy.
-9 months later Brice and I had VERY BAD marriage problems that lasted about 9 months.
-Brice's Dad passed away during that 9 months
-As we learned our marriage COULD be saved we were faced with losing our company.
-Almost complete financial ruin.
-Brice found a job but we knew it was for only about 6 months
-5 months later, I started my first full time job outside the home in 22 years.
-4 weeks later, Brice's job ended.
-He searched for work with the rest of the country for the next year.
-He landed a fairly decent new job
-2 days before he started, I walked into the emergency room, thinking I might have a touch of pnemonia, 2 hours later I was on LifeFlight going to a major heart institute, not breathing on my own. Brice was told I would probably not make it through the night. 3 days later I woke up in ICU not believing what they were telling me had happened.
-I was home feeling good as new in less than a week but on VERY strong medicine that kept me fairly out of it for a good 9 months until they could cut down the dosage.
-The next week after my hospitalization my daughters boyfriend's mother died from a battle with cancer. (yes same daughter, different boyfriend) on that note my neighbor said....no offense but I'm really glad my son is to young to date her. ;)
-They were engaged 5months later and married 9months after that. (very happy occasion but stressful too)
-This past year, other than starting our new journey, I have sat around wondering how my house got this bad, not knowing where to begin, and feeling guilty that I am not the mother for my younger 2 that I was for my older 2.
During this entire last 7 years I have slowly lost my Mom to dementia. Before this we talked on the phone 3 times a day, we were VERY close. I do believe I have been grieving her loss the entire time. As I have said many times before.....I miss her terribly while sitting next to her.
I do understand how blessed I am. I am alive ;), Brice and I are together and still madly in love, he now has a wonderful job, and we have a beautiful, healthy family.....
All of this is just my excuse for my house being a wreck ;) You have no idea how good it feels to look back and say....oh yeah, so that's how it happened.
-In the first 2 weeks of opening our doors my oldest graduated high school and I found out I was pregnant with our 4th child while using birth control! Can you say SURPRISE?!?
-Company going very well, opened our 2nd location.
-I was 6 months pregnant, 1 week before our opening, Brice's Dad rushed to ICU. We were now faced with moving him to assisted living.
-1month later my brother in law had a heart attack but thankfully was fine.
-2 DAYS later I was admitted to the hospital in premature labor, stayed there for a week then spent remaining 2 months of my pregnancy on bed rest.
-After our 4th little blessing was born we had to clean out and sell Brice's parents home
-This begins the downfall of the economy.
-9 months later Brice and I had VERY BAD marriage problems that lasted about 9 months.
-Brice's Dad passed away during that 9 months
-As we learned our marriage COULD be saved we were faced with losing our company.
-Almost complete financial ruin.
-Brice found a job but we knew it was for only about 6 months
-5 months later, I started my first full time job outside the home in 22 years.
-4 weeks later, Brice's job ended.
-He searched for work with the rest of the country for the next year.
-He landed a fairly decent new job
-2 days before he started, I walked into the emergency room, thinking I might have a touch of pnemonia, 2 hours later I was on LifeFlight going to a major heart institute, not breathing on my own. Brice was told I would probably not make it through the night. 3 days later I woke up in ICU not believing what they were telling me had happened.
-I was home feeling good as new in less than a week but on VERY strong medicine that kept me fairly out of it for a good 9 months until they could cut down the dosage.
-The next week after my hospitalization my daughters boyfriend's mother died from a battle with cancer. (yes same daughter, different boyfriend) on that note my neighbor said....no offense but I'm really glad my son is to young to date her. ;)
-They were engaged 5months later and married 9months after that. (very happy occasion but stressful too)
-This past year, other than starting our new journey, I have sat around wondering how my house got this bad, not knowing where to begin, and feeling guilty that I am not the mother for my younger 2 that I was for my older 2.
During this entire last 7 years I have slowly lost my Mom to dementia. Before this we talked on the phone 3 times a day, we were VERY close. I do believe I have been grieving her loss the entire time. As I have said many times before.....I miss her terribly while sitting next to her.
I do understand how blessed I am. I am alive ;), Brice and I are together and still madly in love, he now has a wonderful job, and we have a beautiful, healthy family.....
All of this is just my excuse for my house being a wreck ;) You have no idea how good it feels to look back and say....oh yeah, so that's how it happened.
Okay, I knew a great deal of this list and I still have tears in my eyes...BUT I'm not going to give you the awwww Betsy, because I know that is not what you want.
ReplyDeleteSO here is what you get a BCF( Bossy Caring Friend), You have lived a pretty remarkable, eventful life in these past 7 years. You are one of the strongest, women I know, who despite the odds and what others have told you over the years have overcome great obstacles. You can look back and say.."Phew, we made it." SO, you know HOW it happened, and I know that is huge for you. NOW make it the way you want...which I know you are in the process of doing ( shout out to Barb!). Get back to it..(ps throw out more!) so you can feel 'happy' about your home again. For YOU!
I want you to remember one thing though, you have felt tense about your house for so long, that even when you get it to 'perfect' that feeling might still be there for a bit. It takes a while for that to go too!
Love, ya.
willie
Yes, I will agree 'I overcame great obstacles,' and I can say 'phew we made it', the point I draw the line is when you say I am strong (many others said it too). That is the one I don't get. I'll admit I like hearing it ;) But what makes me strong? The fact I didn't die? I made it through because I didn't have a choice. That sounds so horrible, but so many times I see people going through things and think how strong they are, when now I know they are just surviving the best they can because they have to.
DeleteOuch, that was dark!
I am really very grateful for our many blessings, and I don't think I'm as bitter as that last paragraph came out. ;)
Love ya back,
Betsy
Betsy,
ReplyDeleteThe storm has passed and smooth sailing is ahead. We miss your blog postings. Have faith and things will get better.
Thank you Meredith! And I have missed blogging. Things have been SO much better and my faith is what got me through!
DeleteHey Betsy! Wow! You haven't been busy or anything the last few years right? Just remember that it didn't get that way overnight. Do a little at a time. When I get overwhelmed I start with clearing one little area. I don't even look at the rest of the room...just that one little area.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this!! Just look at everything else that you have been strong through!
Hugs!
Bea
My friend Barb has been helping me! What a blessing she is!! I'll talk about it in my next post. It is coming along. ;)
DeleteWow, my head is spinning around.
ReplyDeleteJust start in one little corner and work it from there. It didn't happen in a day and it's not going to get better in a day.
Glad life is sailing in smooth waters. Fair skies ahead
How I love fair skies! I am beginning to see progress. I'm very hopeful.
DeleteOk you said you don't want sympathy, so I won't go there :)
ReplyDeleteYou've had a hell of a ride these past few years, don't be so hard on yourself. But I'm glad things are calming down and you can see the light at the end. As others said, take one room at a time. Get the kids involved, bit by bit, work your way through. Everyday a little bit, you'd be amazed at how the process will help you. With every bit tidied up and uncluttered you will feel the stress of these past few years start to go.
I feel for you babe, that's a lot of family situations to get through and with four kids, it hasn't been easy. Take it nice and slow :)
Hugs x
How true.....I do 'feel the stress start to go'. We started in my closet, I believe it has been more powerful than any therapy could be. I literally feel lighter with every bag/box that leaves my house.
DeleteIt does seem like its always something, doesn't it Betsy? :) You've weathered it all with courage and so what if your house got in a bit of a state? Now it seems like you are ready to make a change there and I know you can do it! And I agree with the idea of doing a tiny bit at a time. Also get yourself a headset for your phone and you can chat with friends while you clean. Or put on a movie that you like. Even a half hour a day will find you making progress and I bet that you feel great!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the thing with your mom! It is tougher than tough to watch your parent fade away before your very eyes. It's non stop work and sad and loving and embarrassing and a whole lot of other things too. And I think you are right that its like grieving for the duration. Be sure to take some time for you. I'm struggling with that and feel guilty when I do. But you have to. Helping can suck the life out of you! And then you still have all the stuff that a big family requires, to do, as well as giving to friends that I know that you do. A break is in order! So I'm sending you a giant hug and a hope that you give yourself some fun time to go out and perhaps have girl's night out with your daughter or take a nice walk with Brice or read a book in the bath (old fav of mine but its so relaxing) with a glass of submission! Well, I have always read in the bath but more recently Rob has been known to bring me a wine in a plastic cup and its pretty relaxing I say. Escape! Lol!
Thinking of you and we will catch up soon! Many hugs to go with the giant one! You take care, Betsy! Glad to hear from you,
<3 Katie
Thank you Katie, and boy do I love a bubble bath with candles and wine, soft music...who knows, I may even let Brice join me ;)
DeleteYes we do need to catch up! Lets get all those kids back to school first lol ;)
No kidding Betsy! How would one spend any time paying attention to their house in the never ending changes and attention you have needed to give to the young, old and everyone in between.
ReplyDeleteSo, if you feel like now is the time, friends have told me that tackling one room at a time is a good way to do it. I've tried it and even deep cleaning a bathroom can make me feel really good. (LOL...MM doesn't think he should have to use the trees on the side of the drive for the next week though...I'm not sure what his issue is...)
I'm not making light of any of this--all you have been though and even the act of wanting to tackle your home. I just know how overwhelming it can feel. I am right now in a 25 minute zone of reading before I have to sign off and tackle me own. I can feel the stress of how quickly it has to get done so that I can be in my studio at a certain time to start that work.
It can all be so overwhelming...and I'm hoping you find a way to make it less so...even almost enjoyable.
Yes Susie, overwhelming is an understatement! It has been paralyzing...so much to do that I cannot possibly finish, so I might as well not do any of it! That has been how I have felt over the last year. Thankfully God has sent me an angel in my friend Barb. She has taken me on as her project and I am very thankful. ;)
DeleteThe nerve of MM not wanting to use the trees lol!
And you know what? You are still standing. I read all of this and it reminded me of walking through a field of landmines....if that makes sense. You came out a little battered....but you MADE it! I don't know how many women could do what you have done....and do it with as much grace as you. Honestly.
ReplyDeleteI know you don't want sympathy...but how about sap, can I give you a little sappiness? Oh heck, I am going to do it anyway. You are an incredible mom....to all four of the girls. Yes, you may be a different mom to the little ones...but Lord, who wouldn't have changed after all of that? I guarantee you are not any less loving...and I know those girls love you. You are working so hard....please give yourself some slack. It is all going to come together....look at how much you have accomplished already.
And your mom....I love hearing stories about her :) From what you have told me....part of her is alive and well in you! Lucky man that Brice ;) I was never that close to my mom...so I have no idea how that feels. What I do know is that you are honoring her...the mama she was to you....by being the way you are with your girls. She was a woman of incredible faith...and that part of her is shining in you. I know you miss her terribly...even though she is here...and for that I am sorry.
Oh my, well I suppose I have rambled at you enough. I just want you to know how much respect I have for you...for your determination in your marriage and just your life in general. Yes, you and I laugh a lot about the shiny nickel and all of that....but don't discount yourself. I hope you know what a wonderful person you really are....and how lucky I am to call you my friend. Okay, sap over....I am off to blow my nose ;)
Love ya much....
~Lucy
Landmines....great analogy! I remember being afraid to answer the phone because of what I might hear once I did. It was quite a ride and I am so happy I got off!!
DeleteOh my Mom, the most amazing woman! One day I will do a post on her and her sayings lol. Again, I was so blessed to have had her all the years I did....but boy how I miss her!
I really do find a lot of shiny nickels and I am sure I will find many more....but I am the lucky one my friend.
Wiping my tears (sniff, sniff)
I totally get how it would lighten your heart to make that list and put it all out there in front of you like that, so I'm really glad that you did that and that it helped. It's an important reminder of all the things that deserved and received your attention over the years...things that take precedence over an organized house and, frankly, I think you should be damn proud of yourself for staying true to the real priorities...your family and relationships. It sounds like now you might be ready to take stock and start tackling the house project bit by bit...and all you have to do is look at your list to know you've got the fortitude to take on ANY challenge;)
ReplyDeleteThank you Tess, and see that is one big benefit of moving....you get rid of the clutter!
DeleteI am tackling the the mess with the help of my friend and it feels so good!!!
I think this entire process is really going to help in many ways I don't even realize yet.
It took such a lot of courage for you to write that list. I applaud you for it. Thankfully you came out of it relatively unscathed. It never ceases to amaze me how strong women are! We pick up the pieces and battle on. But how lovely, and how lucky you are to have four healthy children, even with the age parity. I am very envious.
ReplyDeleteAs far as your home being a mess is concerned, I personally think you notice it more than your friends - if they are real friends. Betsy they come to see you, not your house!
Because we have to sell ours, all my clutter is now in boxes in one of the barns. I can't find a thing, and I look around and it feels like a 'holiday home'! Even the fridge magnets and my little grandson's paintings have been put away. I loathe it. I am not a minimalist person. I nest! To me, your house sounds wonderful! I could relax entirely in it and think it was home from home! If ever you need reassurance, just you ring me honey!!!
So strategy? Thirty years ago Dan's grandmother said to me, just pick a room, dash round it and put things in one corner, tidy up the rest, and then clear the corner when you are having a "strong" moment. It's always worked for me. And then just go hug those darling little kids of yours! They'll be grown up and gone and the house will still be there.
Many hugs
Ami
Ami your comment reminds me of a saying I read....'My house is clean enough to be healthy, but messy enough to be happy.' I loved it when I first read it many years ago, and I believe it is true!
DeleteI also agree that it will be there when they are gone, but unfortunately it got to the point the daily functionality is affected.
I am so excited to say my friend is helping me tackle it, and as dramatic as it sounds...daily life is getting easier now that I can find what I need ;)
Don't you worry, I will most likely never be considered a minimalist, so feel free to come relax any time you want ;)
All I can say is I understand. I think we need to give ourselves a break. You have been through so much. At times life is so unfair. Sometimes it is as if we put out little fires all along the way, and then we are crossing other major hurdles. Maybe we all go through seasons of difficulty? Some of us just get it all at once. I am glad your friend is helping. Often we just need a hand up to begin the healing...
ReplyDeleteI really think you are right Minelle. I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to have made it through. I didn't realize how much healing I had left to do.
DeleteI've tried and tried to comment on this post, Betsy. I decided it's better simply to tell you I understand what happened and why, and I am glad you found a friend to help walk you through to the other side again. It's sad and scary when we feel we've lost ourselves and become some way we wouldn't have recognized years ago, especially if we wouldn't have liked her much. I think you're rooting out the changeling who took over your life, and you'll find the rest of the real you is still there, even better than before.
ReplyDeleteHugs...
I hope you are right. Things are rolling along. We have made it through the master bedroom, master bath, kitchen, laundry room, powder room, and entry way closet. ;) Still we have a long way to go, but it's really happening!
DeleteLife happens and things get prioritised and something has to get put on the back burner.
ReplyDeleteYou have been through a tough time and maybe starting in one corner and going from there might feel like you are taking back control.
I hired a skip (dumpster) and just got ruthless, it was fantastic!.
Take care and keep moving forward.
J
I wish I had a dumpster! I lost count at around 30 lawn garbage bags. Not to mention the 2 truck loads of give away so far. ;)
DeleteBetsy, when I lost a father figure, found out I was pregnantt at the same time, and then lost that son, I couldn't keep up either. It's hard. {{{HUGS}}} And you have quite the long list there. The more we lose, the more we tend to hold on to material things. It's also harder to keep up with the every day of housework when your heart is breaking so many times. Look at those times and see all that you did for your family compared to your house. It will all balance out. You were making it through, that, and not a clean house, is what matters. And your house can be okay again. Start with one corner of one room and work from there... or that is what finally worked for me. One table, one bookcase, each day, I tackled one thing. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing how cathartic cleaning out has been. I think I can actually say I'm halfway done! :)
DeleteHi Betsy,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I am so late to this! Firstly, I applaud you for posting this. That is some list. You have been though, and dealt with so much. With so much to deal with some things have to give. As Es May said, think of everything you did to take care of your family during that time.
As the others have said. Take it bit by bit. One room, one corner at a time.
Hugs,
Roz
Posting this really did help. I guess I did take care of my family, but somedays it felt like their basic needs was all I could handle.
DeleteWe are going room by room and we are making progress!
Wow Betsy,
ReplyDeleteI have never been to your blog before, and this was quite the thing to read as a first entry. :)
I am sorry you went through all that. Life can be so hard, and when there is more downs than ups, it is easy to let go of some things, like the house. I would say think of one room, and then take your time, do it right, turn on some music, and don't get overwhelmed. You know you can do it!
Welcome Julia!
DeleteI am so sorry this was the first entry you read of mine and then I left it up so long. I promise not to be this dark in the future. ;)
Ouch. Without the details, I went through something similar some years ago and ended up with a LOT of my late in-laws' belongings stuffed into a couple of rooms of my home. And the shed. And two attics. They were hoarders. And renters. So when the time came, the place had to be emptied faster than we could go through the stuff.
ReplyDeleteThis clicked "on" the previously relatively dormant hoarder gene for my husband and for over a decade he refused to dispose of anything in those spaces. And added to them until they were packed to the ceiling.
A pending inspection to change homeowners' insurance meant that this had to come to an end. It was physically and mentally draining on so many levels. We ran into dozens of emotional grenades. Those are the "things" in the pile that blindside you and make you stop and cry. The things that make you remember... And sometimes you will just have to walk away from that.
I totally get how overwhelming it is. Advice? Please start small. Just take out one "junk" drawer and go through it while watching TV. Invest in a few plastic storage bins in several different sizes. Then little by little start to organize by one of two methods: "SPACE" or "OHIO." Space stands for sort, purge, assign (a permanent spot) containerize and enjoy. Ohio stands for only handle it once. That one means combining all the steps at once and personally, SPACE worked better for me.
After you have done one drawer, don't just sit back and enjoy it. Tackle one corner of one room. Even if you don't spend but 15 minutes a day at this, little by little you will have a corner, then an area, then a room, then two rooms...
When you have advanced to the whole rooms point, you need a basket or box to load up stuff that doesn't belong in that room at all but managed to creep in there. Load up a basket-worth at a time and take each thing to the room where it belongs.
That first room really is the hardest one once it has reached the OMG I Just Can't Do It state. But once that first one is "done" you can walk back into that room and admire it for a moment here and there when you need that extra bit of inspiration.
You've earned the right to the depression I sense you are feeling. Clutter compounds that though. Clutter can overwhelm us and lead to depression. And depression can lead to clutter. And circles, and circles, until it feels like you are circling the drain.
I hope you can start to dig out from under soon. Just take it slow. You'll get there.
Welcome Rednakedy!
DeleteThank you so much for commenting. You hit so many things exactly point on. Emptying 2 childhood homes definitely contributed to the clutter. Also the OMG I just can't do it state! Circling the drain....check. And last but not least, I sat and literally cried while going through a file cabinet in the kitchen....I told Barb I wanted to quit for the day and go to bed. She convinced me to keep going and we did. I don't think I could get through this without her to push me along.
Thank you for your comment. It helps to hear your feelings are fairly normal for the circumstances.