Communication or Lack There Of.... and Meet Brice

This will be a rambling mess but it's where I am at the moment.

I am a bit frustrated with myself. Communication has never been a difficulty for me in the past, so I'm really not quite sure what's going on now.  I often read about people building walls and holding in their emotions, I've always joked about Brice wishing I would distance and hold a few things in. ;)

We started out full steam ahead, it is kind of easy for Brice to lead, not so much for me to follow....but I'm working on it. From the beginning he said he didn't need directions to spank his wife, and I'm here to tell you he didn't. Brice has asked a few times, what else is he supposed to be doing....he says he knows exactly what I am supposed to do (unfortunately he does). He will read a blog if I put it in front of him but I have a hard time even picking one out for him to read.

Consistency has actually been an issue for us. Which I'm not one to complain, but it does cause me to tale spin. I have enough trouble as it is and I don't need any extra help in spinning out of control.

I was the one that said....I would NEVER whine about consistency. The biggest problem I do have with it is Brice is VERY consistent in pointing out what I do wrong, and boy can he gripe lecture, and I feel like it goes on and on. I don't fight back like I used to (as much anyway) so I end up feeling like he is always angry with me. Then he finally has enough and follows through and I am left shocked.

This week I experienced my first two days in a row of spankings, with his new paddle from Blondie.....not fun. I really didn't think he would do it again....I was wrong. :( It was really amazing how much submission I had the next day or two...that halo was firmly on my head. I need the feeling that I have been forgiven, that he is okay with the fact I'm a scatter brained mess....I need his help and leadership. It was the perfect time to do some communicating....did I? Nope, not really.

I really know what I need to do, and I know this is my fault because he WILL listen to anything I have to say, but I MUST find the words.

It just goes to show, this is NOT an easy process...No matter how dominant they are at the starting line the hurdles can slow you down. <<----(sorry about the analogy, I promise to never try that again lol)


On a more positive note.....
Here is my first meme,

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?  Sports, Action Movies, Sports, or 
    um....Sports. 

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?  Caesar 

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?  His Bald Head. ;)

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order?  A Filet Mignon medium rare and  bottle of red wine for us to share.

5. Where did he go to high school? About 30 minutes away from me.

6. What size shoe does he wear? 11

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?  Shot Glasses, Hats, Small Knives

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?  Hot Corned Beef and Pastrami with Mustard, Pepper Jack Cheese on Rye

9. What would he eat every day if he could?   Never the same thing as the two days  before....ugh

10. What is his favorite cereal?  Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries

11. What would he never wear? A Speedo 

12. What is his favorite sports team? DALLAS COWBOYS!!!!!! (he said it has to be in all caps)

13.Who did he vote for? The same person as me.  

14. Who is his best friend?   He said ME ;) (did I mention he's a smart man)

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do? Straighten my hair. 

16. What is his heritage?   English/Scottish

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?  Rum Cake 

18. Did he play sports in high school? Football, Basketball, Baseball

19. What could he spend hours doing?  Watching Sports

20. What is one unique talent he has?  He can pick things up with his toes. (He's very proud of this)

Umm...You Mean You Don't Like Surprises?

This was the point I began to realize how submissively challenged I really am. This is when I realized Brice gets to continue to be himself, and I am the one that has to make the big changes.  This is when Brice began to realize he had won the lottery. This is when I realized I had been zigging when maybe I should have been zagging.

We made it past the 's' word (as I referred to it back then) much easier than I expected, when he actually said it first, but I still wasn't quite ready to commit. My biggest concern now was that once that started, there would be no stopping and the way he was pointing out every little thing ....I was officially freaking out. ;)

It was Christmas time, when my daughter in from college asked me if she could have a get together for friends from her middle school. (They had been a very close class and all great kids.) Brice was going to be out of town working, so I said sure.

Was I going to ask Brice you wonder?

Mmmm...no.

Why?

Well why would I......he would say 'NO'?

Did I think twice about asking Brice?

Nope....not even once. ;)

He didn't need to know, because it would all be cleaned up by the time he got home right?

One little problem was I didn't mention to my daughter not to tell her Dad.....That would be wrong...I would never do a thing like that. (I know I know...twisted but true)  That's exactly what she did....Told her Dad.

Brice was angry as you can imagine, he gave me the...what better happen and what better not happen lecture. We hadn't 'officially started' dd yet....although he threatened plenty...I really didn't think he would necessarily do anything.

The party was great, yes there were a few little mishaps but considering there were about 22 nineteen year old kids, it went very well. Unfortunately, not quite well enough, the little issues were enough for me to get into very big trouble.

I had earned my first spanking. That was the day I learned I may be turned on by the thought of one....even the threat of one....I now knew NOTHING turned me on about the actual event. I immediately (well, by the 3rd swat) wanted it to stop. I was yelling that I had made a terrible mistake that I didn't want to do this anymore, we have to quit and so on. Brice calmly continued, simply stating he would be more than happy to discuss my thoughts on all of this....right after my spanking. Needless to say, reality was now setting in.

As time went by, I found this little....umm....bad habit of mine, is something I have always done in our marriage, more often than I ever imagined. The next time I was running an 'idea' I had by a dd friend, and she asked a simple question....

What does Brice think about it?

Ummm...well he will be out of town, so I'm thinking I would surprise him.

I know this is horrible, but until she asked me, it never crossed my mind.

Once she stopped laughing at my expense, she convinced me this way of thinking was no longer an option.

This little issue has definitely been one of the hardest for me and the most unexpected. I really did NOT realize how often I had been ''surprising' Brice throughout our marriage....when he doesn't like surprises. ;)

What Have I Done to My Life?

Brice, come look at the comments on my blog, isn't this exciting?

Almost monotone:
Mmm hmm, it would be even more exciting if you had washed my socks today.

He really is okay with me blogging now,  just a little concerned about my time management skills (or lack there of).

I appreciate, beyond words, the warm welcome I received on my first post. I'm not sure I can live up to the expectations......we aren't really that exciting....But as most of you know ttwd is a wild ride and I'm going to attempt to share ours.

When I first stumbled upon the Learning DD website, back around September, I was totally shocked yet intrigued by what I found. I'll admit here, the thought of a spanking was a bit of a turn on (there I said it) but not something I spent much time thinking about it. I found so much more than spanking info, there was also all the talk about the HoH and the dynamic. Immediately I realized they were describing Brice to a T.  Me? Yeah, not so much, I was about as far from submissive as you could get.

As time went on, I read and read, then decided maybe I should at least try to treat Brice with more respect and let him be who he really was. The results were immediate and amazing. I remember telling a friend......Wow, to think it is simple as being nice to Brice and he is nice to me!?!  Why didn't I think of that before? lol

I began to laugh to my self about the raised eyebrow he would give me (that I now believe he was born with) and other comments he made that were almost direct quotes to what I was reading. Putting all of it together I thought maybe this could work for us.

We finally talked about what I had been doing and it had not gone unnoticed. Our little daily arguments had come to almost a complete halt. He loved it...which gave me the courage to mention consequences. I didn't say what kind....Just sort of mentioned it in passing.  More or less I knew he wouldn't have much of a problem with spanking, we have always had a fairly...umm...active sex life. ;)

That's when reality hit. Brice KNEW I was SUPPOSED to be trying to yield to him or at the very least LISTEN to him....And he did NOT hesitate to point it out when I didn't. This is about the time I decided I wasn't quite ready to mention spanking yet. ;)  I now began to realize what I was getting myself into....it started to be crystal clear how much my life was going to change...and exactly how UN-submissive I really was......

Uh..Oh...

What do I do now?


Next Post:  Umm...You Mean You Don't Like Surprises?

We Are On Our Way

Brice and I have been married for 26 years. We have 4 beautiful daughters ranging in age from 24 to 5......which means our happy home is often compared to Grand Central Station......crowds of kids, teens, and young adults coming and going constantly. Never is there a dull moment around here.

Our entire marriage has been a power struggle. Brice has always been very alpha male, and I have tried for a long time to get him to change. I realize now it was most likely that dominance that attracted me to him. The night we met in college we got into an argument over the rules to a game. I'll admit now (but don't tell Brice) I was trying to cheat for the girls team. All of the other guys did not care in the least, Brice however threw a fit and said.....if I was going to play it was going to be by his rules! Yep, that should have been my first clue. After the argument he asked me out and I said yes! ;)

I have read where some women talk about how their husbands USED to be dominant males.  Brice was always very dominant, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of this trait. Our arguments were not usually over the major things that break up a marriage......money, sex, in-laws....just everything else :( The bedroom is the one place Brice has always been in charge, and I have never argued with him. Sometimes I truly believe this is one of the reasons we made it 26 years. We have been through a lot over these years, but I can truly say, the last three years we have been closer than ever.

Brice's number one gripe with me is that he says I am bossy and controlling. Not that he ever did what I said!!  He tells me everything I say comes out as a demand. I have really worked hard over the years to improve this and it is better.....however, I do not believe there is a bigger gift I could have given Brice than bringing DD to our marriage 3 months ago. In no way is this easy for me, it is not natural at all....just ask Brice ;)  But with the help of friends from this amazing community.....we are on our way!!!




Next Time: The First Three Months - What Have I Done To My Life